Connect the Dots

I probably had a thousand and one things on my mind today, somewhat cumulative of what has been happening in the last 2 months, or rather, since last December. And they are random thoughts that don't connect with each other, yet somehow still seem to be pieces of a bigger picture.

What do you say when your friend has taken ill? I reckon I'm somebody who never run out of things to say but I was dumbfounded when P first told me she's not well, and then KK announced his diagnosis with syncope. The first [dumb] thing I asked was, "Will you die?" I couldn't help it; I was so afraid that they will leave me. But today when I saw mumsy in the hospital bed, so frail and in pain, I just didn't know what to say. Is there even a right thing to say, I wondered, at a moment where the anxiety of the doctor's report is too much to bear. It was also then when it dawned on me that, perhaps, simply by being there was probably enough at that moment.

Honestly, how is it possible for anyone to feel good knowing that, perhaps, death is imminent? The past CNY made me realise just how old grandmama is, and that I should really spend more time with her and suddenly, my usual excuse of the inability to communicate [with her] just seems so lame now. All of a sudden, I feel the urge to make my favourite chicken wings for her too. Of course, I can't exactly explain even if anyone asks me why, for death is a taboo in Asian-Chinese culture.

And at the end of the day, how much of a person do you really know or even understand? A simple question some days back threw me off balance as I realised I'd treated so many things superficially. And there I was, constantly lamenting the demise of true human relationships these days. I am guilty as charged too! I don't know what K's favourite food is (Is it chai-tao-kway?) or that P can't stand anything sour (I promise never to buy green apples for you), or where M is staying or that E adopted a stray cat and called her Mimi 3 years ago... - I am also one of them in the world, where I am concerned with only me, myself and I.

Of course, papa's unfathomable antagonism with our neighbour is strange (to me), although I suspect the trigger is most likely the smell of the incense, if not racial differences. But I thought we were supposed to love one another? After all, Jesus has told us to love thy neighbour as thyself.

So how does one feign ignorance when faced with something so pertinent in our everyday life? The complaints of the ever-increasing cost of living here has taken a toil on many here, who eventually blamed the government for not doing anything. And it's ironical because the exact same people have lambasted the [autocratic] government for sticking their nose(s) in everything. One just can't please everybody, can he? Reducing this to a micro level, the typical discussion (read: gossip) of so-and-so causes one to wonder why life is so hard.

And suddenly, the chase for material possessions seem unimportant; the idea of what money cannot buy more appealing. What good are materials when the love and the life aren't there? It takes more than human to realise the value of a rose in bloom or the time spent doing what one loves most (well, definitely not work, I suppose).

Ahhhh...work. I reckon the workplace is one place, other than the school, that educates me - the social induction that teachers do not teach in schools. The different characters we meet at work, somewhat, teaches us something in our lives - tolerance or a daily reminder in the undesirable department, to emulate the good qualities or simply be more appreciative of the things in life. My unappetising lunch in P. Ubin yesterday taught me not only to be grateful of what mama willingly cooks for me every meal time, but also not to complain about the things I do not have a control over. The same concept applies to assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

Hmmm...What don't I have control over? The traffic, for one. Instead of voluntarily raising my BP by getting flustered over the bad traffic, I just close my eyes and enjoy the bus ride. Eventually, I might still turn up at my destination on time.

Oh, speaking of destination, my heart sure goes out to those who take knowledge acquisition as their top priority while blatantly ignoring the basic elements of being human. I wonder how far they can go in life with only knowledge but no regard for fellow mankind. If Confucius were right in his theory of the love for humanity, what then has happened in the socialisation process for this lot of people? Perhaps I'll get the answer next February 29th?

The leap year comes only every 4 years. Will I get my answers then? Maybe I don't have to wait that long. Not too long ago, P likened me to a woman on a long leash - needing freedom yet yearning security - which made a lot of sense. When will I find that kind of balance, I wonder, and so did K who wrote the exact same thing on his CNY card. Coincidentally, this quote by George Moore sprang up from nowhere one day, "A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it." And I can't help but marvelled at the truth of this statement.