Am I A-OK?

It's strange that we often filter the things we say even to our closest friends. Secretly, I suspect that most of us are looking for approval, for somebody else's acknowledgement on what I'm doing is right. Judgement aside, the need for approval, I guess, stems from the very basis of being human.

How many times have you wondered how somebody you just met feel about you? How many times have you fumbled over the so-called correct words to use when speaking with somebody else? What about the new people you meet along the way? How often have you put on your best self forward because you needed to feel accepted?

The other day, Mrs L asked me if I'd quit MOE to raise kids. I was like, "Huh? Oh no, I'm single." And then, I found myself explaining my whole life story to this stranger whom I'd barely known for 10 minutes where I'd taught after graduation for about 4 years, then went on to teach in HK for a couple of years, then came back last year and am currently teaching writing in a private language centre. No, I don't usually explain myself, but somehow, it just felt necessary for Mrs L to see me as a perfectly normal and able-bodied young woman who's leading a constructive life.

And for the longest time, I've been correcting many (ex-)students who teased me at being a slacker - a derogatory term I hated - not only because it was not the right noun to use on me (I'm on sabbatical - a break I earned after working hard for 7 years), but more importantly, the sudden revelation that it's because I (strangely) needed to feel approved, that my actions are acceptable in society, that I'm not wasted.

Today, in class, Tim lamented that he'd wished he never grows up 'cause it feels good to be babied where everybody just loves him and nothing else. At that point, I wondered about the things this young boy has gone through to elicit a comment like that.

Coincidentally, in Lifestyle today, Sumiko Tan deliberated, "Women judge each other all the time, sometimes unconsciously. Outwardly we might project a united sisterhood vibe but inwardly we are constantly appraising one another, from our outward appearances to our inner motives. We impose standards and parameters on how other women should look, behave and feel." Well, if you ask me, I would broaden this scope to human-on-human.

Surprisingly, this Lunar New Year, I'm spared "So when are you getting married har?" because I think my mama probably warned my obtuse relatives about the impending shelling of my take on simply marrying Dick (no puns intended, honestly!) when you're no longer getting any younger. Marriage, to me, is definitely not something that'll have you succumb to social pressure; it shouldn't be "It was time to get married, so when he suggested getting a HDB flat, I said okay lor."

At the end of the day, I always find myself wondering if it's possible to attain approval from society yet not fall into the (societal) norm trap? But I think I knew the answer all along...