Of epiphany and epiphany...

The thing is, there are always things on my mind.  The difference is whether I have the time to sit and write.  Quite unfortunately, with life moving at sonic speed these days, some will slip me by after a couple of hours.  Others, which usually are what I would rather forget, tend to stick around a little longer.

Ahhh...the conundrum of life.  Much to my dismay, I discover myself giving more attention to people who do not matter (and of course if you know me well enough, the subtext actually reads "people I want to kill") than those who do.  Have you ever had co-workers who left you wondering how they landed themselves the job in the first place?  Well, enough said.  It's the same for feedback.  My natural tendency is to focus on the negative ones when it comes to my work, simply because it is one negative feedback too many.  It doesn't matter how amazing people think I am, because the negative comment/ feedback is the annoying stain that I cannot but notice.

My epiphany came from a trusted co-worker whom I safely call my friend.  I was reminded that I was full of love, and happiness, but the old me dissipated in the past year.  And it was spot on.

So, when Pastor Prince started singing Before the Throne of God Above, I was really thankful because I was beating myself up for "losing" that love.  That was for me!

"Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea.  A great high priest whose name is love, who ever lives and pleads for me.  My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on His heart, I know that while in heaven He stands, no tongue can bid me thence depart..."

Such amazing grace!  And it can only be Jesus...

The disappointment

12 July 2012

And just as she suspected, it was all over...

Her heart sank as she found herself staring at the handwritten scribbling of a notice that read EETC Photo Shoot on the glass door.  And although she had prepped herself for the worst, she couldn't help but feel let down.  Who am I kidding?  I'd be lying if I say it is not important.  After all, it was the only affirmation to ascertain her work, especially after she was told she was "too low key".

8 March 2012

And she received the news that she was one of the two nominees for the award.  But intuition told her that there was more to it than the two weeks delay between the confirmation email and the excited phone call she'd received from her reporting officer one evening.

12 March 2012

And she found out, much to her dismal, that the director had plans to trade her nomination form for a shopping voucher.  A shopping voucher!  As much as she loved shopping, she found it hard to shake off her sentiment that the director had, wittingly or unwittingly, made a mockery of her work.

12 July 2012

And as she fought off her disappointment, the new song she was humming provided much comfort...

"My hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus' name.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong, in the Saviour's love

Through the storm

He is Lord, Lord of all.

When darkness seems to hid His face

I rest on His unchanging grace

In every high and stormy gale

My anchor holds within the veil.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong, in the Saviour's love

Through the storm

He is Lord, Lord of all.

Then He shall come with trumpet sounds

Oh, may I then in Him be found

Dressed in His righteousness alone

faultless, stand before the throne.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong, in the Saviour's love

Through the storm

He is Lord, Lord of all."

God's love

I couldn't help but wonder if it were spoken in retaliation or for real, but it sure threw me off balance. Too taken aback with the unexpected respond, I was at a total loss for words. An excellent teacher, I am not, but I reckon I'm not bad at what I do. But never had I imagined the day when someone would tell me in my face (quote and unquote) "I didn't learn anything from you".

But I wasn't mad at her; I was mad at myself for I only could utter "...too bad then" in response. Retrospectively, I would have loved to reply "I'm sorry to hear that".

No, wait...I have to be truthful. Was I mad when I caught her facebooking while I was delivering a lesson? No. If I were, I wouldn't have just whispered in her ear "I don't think I'm teaching Facebook today." Was I mad she continued doing her other assignment even as I stood beside the group to listen to their discussion? No. I was wondering why she didn't finish her work at home. Was I mad she reasoned "But it's due today" when I told her after class I was not comfortable at her completing her other assignment in my lesson? No. I felt sorry for her she hadn't realised what was wrong.

Still, I give thanks to the Lord. The thing is this: Yesterday was the day I had a formal observation. And to cut a long story short, A thought it was a really good lesson. "Only a teacher will be able to pull off something like that" and reassured me this was merely an attitude issue and told me to ignore it. Assurance came when A reminded me even the A/Ps get told the same thing in their faces. But truth be told, I was definitely perturbed by the possibility that the ST could find absolutely no takeaways to aid her career. I couldn't help but wonder if she's an acclaimed teaching genius or if she'd considered it child's play.

And now, I can't help but marvel at the arrangement. Precisely because the Lord knew this was going to happen, A was arranged to be a witness and an affirmation. Precisely because the Lord knew this was going to happen, E prepped me with the analogy what her STs had said about another tutor the previous day. Precisely because the Lord knew I'll still be thinking about it today, he spoke through the daily devotional "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" today: "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

No, it's not about me. It's about what can be done to glorify Jesus. Right now, I just want to impart all the skills I have to those who will be nurturing the future of our nation. And I am neither troubled nor afraid now because I know He is with me, always.

You know the plans You have for me

You will complete Your work in me

My name's engraved upon Your heart

You sacrificed Your son for me

Atoning blood has pardoned me

Because of Christ, I am Your child

I'll be still, know that You are God

By Your Spirit I cry

My Abba, my Father

You'll love me forever

My future's secured in Your hands

You've crowned me with glory to worship You only

To none else will I bow my heart

For You are my Abba, my God

When I see You smile

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having You, I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cos sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free, and then I see You reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see You Jesus, and everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see You smile, I can face the world, oh oh, You know I can do anything
When I see You smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh, I see it shining right through the rain
When I see You smile, Jesus when I see You smile at me, oh yeah

Jesus there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What a touch of Your hand can do, it's like nothing that I ever knew
And when the rain is falling, I don't feel it, 'cos You're here with me now
And one look at You Jesus, is all I'll ever need, it's all I'll ever need

When I see You smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see You smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh, I see it shining right through the rain
When I see You smile, Jesus, Jesus when I see You smile at me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at You Jesus, and everything's alright, everything's alright
So right

When I see You smile, I can face the world, oh oh, You know I can do anything
When I see You smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh, I see it shining right through the rain, yeah
When I see You smile, I can face the world, oh oh, You know I can do anything
When I see You smile, oh yeah, Jesus when I see You smile, smile at me
*****

PS: Pastor Joshua sang this on Sunday morning while talking about losing weight, diets and exercise. Two days on, the sermon is a little fuzzy, but I reckon I do remember the most important message, not just in weight management but every aspect of my life: Look to Jesus.

When you say nothing at all

As I was ploughing through Holmes (1995) this afternoon, I came across this paragraph: "Many men apparently do not understand women's need for 'connection' through talk in intimate relationships...While women prefer to talk through problems, seeking solutions or acceptable compromises, men prefer to avoid conflict and keep silent; when things are going well, women tend to express this through on-going interaction and communicative exchanges, while men tend to see less need for regular talk in established intimate relationships." And then, a random memory suddenly struck...

I've not really paid much attention to it, yet wilfully labelled it "the shut up song" when I first heard it in a friend's car one night.

It was the year 1999.

Recently, I listened, for the first time, to the words of the song carefully, and marvelled at how beautifully written it was. And, I realise how the song actually epitomises many linguistic research on gender communicative styles.

One Way

I lay my life down at Your feet
Cause You're the only one I need
I turn to You and You are always there

In troubled times it's You I seek
I put You first that's all I need
I humble all I am all to You

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end

You are the Way the Truth and the Life
We live by faith and not by sight
for You
We're living all for You

~~~~~
It's always disappointing when we get let down. And at one point or another in our lives, we may have been looking for the same things from all the wrong places. In this world where change is the only constant, I suppose nothing says more about an everlasting love than this one; the one that will never ever change.

PS: Check out the short films in this year's Film & Art Festival.

Love So Amazing

It's no wonder there's an argument that Valentine's Day is but a day shrewd businessmen came up with to prompt massive consumer spending. And though we know there's an element of truth in it, not all will willingly admit.

For the longest time, I'd thought the celebration of love shouldn't be confined to just a day in February or just because somebody says it is so. And though I've spent the last 12 years deciphering the meaning of love, I figured there's nothing that depicts more about love than Jesus...

耶稣你被钉在十字架 把自己献为祭
你的宝血为我流 洗净我全部的罪
眼泪是为我哭 一点一滴都充满爱
罪的重担 在你身上 全钉在十字架

主你的爱 主你的恩 日夜跟随我
你是我主 你也是我亲密的朋友
主你的心 有我的名 你是我避难所
爱何等深 爱何等阔 爱何等奇妙

耶稣你竟然放弃生命 因为真心爱我
在我寂寞的时刻 你双手拥抱着我
又轻轻对我说 你永远不离弃我
破碎生命 今已复活 幸福属于我

The Answer

I believe you are the answer to every tear I've cried

I believe that you are with me

My rising and my light

Give me strength when I am weary

Give me hope when I can't see

Through the crosses I must carry

Lord, bind my heart to thee

That when all my days are over

and all my chores are done

I may see your risen glory

Forever where you are.

All I need is You

With 4 major research papers to complete in less than a month, I have everything to fear and fret. Will I manage? Will I go off tangent? Will my work garner me the grade I covet? Where do I stand among my peers? That, and worrying about getting a new place for next year coupled with a flagging global economy (though not that it'll affect me directly). Of course, it didn't help very much to wonder if I'm the only one not having as much fun here as I should be.

So, while I take a ride on life's roller-coaster, I'm reminding myself never to take my eyes away from Jesus. Simple as it may seem, it's actually hard. But I'll always remember that the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer. He is my rock in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold. (cf. Psalms 18:2)

None but Jesus

Fear is like walking alone in an unlit alley in the middle of the night. And just like walking along a dark alley, fear is not knowing which way to go.

In the same way, fear has somehow struck a chord in me the past couple of months. Yet strangely, I wasn't exactly scared scared. Sure, I'd worn some (or many) frowns on my face, groused about some real issues, and perhaps, even snapped once or twice (no, more), but there seemed to be an assurance that everything will work out just fine (which it did). Perhaps it was the reminder from my HK apartment episode I suspect, but I think it's a lot more than that. Over the years, I've learnt, albeit slowly, to cast all my cares on Him (from 1 Peter 5:7). Sure, my faith falters and sometimes I forget, but He who calms the raging seas will never leave me nor forsake me (from Deuteronomy 31:6).

Coincidentally or otherwise, how apt that I should be penning this thought on Independence Day. And in the same way no hero should go unsung (read the excerpt from Our Daily Bread) in the history of the United States, neither should the Jesus in my life...

Intimidated no more

"Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you." ~ Luke 10:19

PS: And why should I be surprised that this was intended for me?

PPS: Healer for KK

I know You love me

Something is not right and I know it for I haven't been able to string words into sentences and sentences into comprehensible texts for the last two days. With my mind in a whirl, it still is hard for me to decipher my own thoughts.

...habitual creatures...routine...fight to be different...window of opportunity...when one door closes another will open...making choices...what is right...too many doors...selfish wants...duty and obligation...I-centric world...lost and empty momentarily...afraid...how do I...stigma...live life to the fullest...social norm...in retrospect...what if it was wrong all along...will I do it differently...

And my state of brooding disquietude is making me wonder what's wrong with me. To elevate this bizarro to a new level, I even found myself telling Uncle M on Friday night I was feeling a little lost (He didn't even have to probe like he usually does). Maybe I was just overwhelmed by the surprise phonecall that came halfway across the globe, but volunteering information about myself sure wasn't me.

But I know everything's gonna be alright for my God-sent assurance, literally, came in the form of Darlene Zschech from Hillsong Church and these words:

God above all the world in motion,

God above all my hopes and fears,

Well I don't care what the world throws at me now,

It's gonna be alright!

Cause I know my God saved the day,

And I know His word never fails,

And I know my God made a way for me,

It's gonna be alright!

And as if somehow divinely guided, I set my eyes on a little card I'd always carried with me but never remembered the words on it which wrote: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

Someday we'll find it...

What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing,
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it,
the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me...

PS: Life can be hard, and sometimes too hard, and perhaps too, it doesn't happen the way we want it, but that doesn't mean we have to give up hoping. Because deep down in our hearts, we know that someday we'll just find it...

My raison d'être

What is your reason for being? For some, it's shoes, bags for others and yet for some others, it's definitely food (oops...guilty as charged). But whatever the justification for one's existence may be, which probably and undeniably revolves mostly around material possessions of some sorts, I figured that all that's secondary now.

And this would probably come as a surprise for one who knows Jo would know she would die (oh yes!) without new clothes, new shoes and new bags. And no, it's not that new clothes, new shoes and new bags aren't important to Jo anymore (they still are), but it's just that her raison d'être is to glorify Jesus.

In the drizzle

It's strange what an hour's bus ride with the drizzle hitting against the window where you're seated can do to you, for I found my tears well up yesterday while plugged in to my favourite tunes...

"...it's a long long journey till I know where I'm supposed to be.

I close my eyes and pray all my wishes come true, ev'ry night I go to sleep until you're mine, I'll wait for you endlessly, can't you see?

I picture you across the oceans, in your corner of the world. I pray the wind will blow my voice and gently whisper in your ear. Your night may be my day and though the seasons change.

If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die, I'd spend the end with you. And when the world was through, then one by one the stars would all go out, then you and I would simply fly away.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world..."

And so I figured that feeling emo is not only the prerogative of a teenager but one of Jo's as well...

Moon River

Moon River

wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker,

you heart breaker,

wherever you're going

I'm going your way.

Two drifters

off to see the world.

There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end

-- waiting 'round the bend,

my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me.

PS: My favourite song since I was 14.

PPS: Sometimes it feels funny that I should be putting up my entire life online in case I forget it myself, or so that people I know can remember me. Yes, I know the latter, especially, sounds totally morbid, but what if? And it's funny too how many things in life may come back to you in retrospect...

At the foot of the Cross

Dear Jesus, thank you. You took my place and died on the cross to pay for my sins before You even knew me, because You love me. Undeserving and unearned...I know....so that I may have eternal life. As You are in heaven, so am I in this world. Thank you, Jesus. I love You. Amen.

To complain no more...

I bitch. Of course I do. Yes, I think I'm quite a nice person, but I'm human too; I fall short. So whenever I encounter any indignation, I can't help but bitch. Bitching comes in different forms, and it's not necessarily malicious in nature, for bitching, to me, is in the form of agitated bias 'commentary' which subsides as quickly as it flares up, aka complaining. And the funniest thing is sometimes, I complain [to myself] about myself too!

But from today, I will remind myself to stop doing all that...

"For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind.

But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh." (James 3:2-12)

...not with my strength but with His grace. And all because I just want to glorify Jesus.

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down

Climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide will bring it down

At the cross

I was actually sliding in my seat to a very comfortable position (read: sleeping) yesterday when I finally realised (after a good 20 minutes, no less) what Pastor Joshua was rambling about - love, God's love. Now, only John 3:16 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 remain in my mind although there were many other citations, none of which I remember.

To me, remembering verses is not the most important thing (though it's definitely a good thing) for one can remember verses yet still fail to notice God's love for him, or the preoccupation with the (other) things in his life that distracts him from the God whom so loved him. And it's not about my love for him coz my love can never match up to his love for me...

PS: mumsy's med report's all clear. Thank you, Jesus.